Shhhhhhh …listen…can you hear what I hear? A silent night awakens the other side that was asleep in me. The kids are fast asleep, tired from a hard day of play. The house is a clean mess- as always right before the night ends. My soul is tired and exited as I can be… it is my time …time to rest! Time to dream, time to think about the little things I did and all the things I want to do with my life.
But for now…Just for tonight…Just want to think about me…about all the bad decisions I made…all the small roads I crossed thinking a short cut will make me get there faster. When in reality it did take me faster-but it took me fast to nowhere. This is me! Know it all; been through it all; seen it all and the worst part is… that I did it all. Ashamed… there is nothing that can cross your mind that I haven’t done. Yet I’m empty. Yet I still can’t figure a way to be happy.
My mind is full of “what ifs” my heart full of …”my fault”….why…why have I changed all my dreams to see other people’s dreams come true? Why did I refuse to change my reality just to live happy in a cynical world that I created for myself! Oh shut up!!! You have been there too!!! I’m just honest enough to accept it!
For love? That’s it? That is my excuse, for all the things I did and the justification of everything I didn’t do? What is love? A mere commitment of lust and premeditation driven by a fantasy of sacrifice! I’ll put it in your words so you can understand it better – love is giving everything you’ve got…hoping you will receive the same in return. And it is learning how to cope when in reality you don’t get half of what is promised?
Then you have to learn how to forgive right? Love is to forgive? What about if you never learn how to forgive yourself? What if you become your own burden? How can you expect something you can’t give? And if you can…how can you give it…and not expect it in return?
Deception rules humanity. If we are not sad…we won’t learn how to truly be happy! Right? So in fact, you have to live miserable to “one “day realize it and to look for something better?
I lay down on my bed. Tears running down my cheeks as my mind turns and turns, so how do you know you are happy? How do you know it is real? If you never truly had something “real” how can you tell when you do? How can I tell that it is not another cynical world that I’m creating for myself to escape the one from before?
How can I make him understand who am I, without scaring him away? How can I let go of the past when I am the result of it? How can I trust love? If I stopped believing in it so long ago! Footsteps on the stairs…the cologne spreads all thru the hallway…Love is near… and he’s coming for me…what now?…how can I prepare myself to be happy?
OK, so maybe I am nervous? Maybe I’m just not sure if I know” how” to be happy. The door opens slowly, as a new beginning walks thru the door …It is him… It’s the opportunity to prove me wrong!! That life has not ended just because a story did.
I wipe my tears and clear my fears as he takes off his clothes and lies next to me… he looks at me with a small smirk … and whispers in my ear…I’m here now…I love you…….
And it hit me….this is no longer “A NIGHT BY MYSELF”… I wasn’t looking for love …but I guess love found me. I just need to accept that and learn how to be happy…..… whatever that really is! I guess I never will know until I try it…so here I go….Good night…it is time to “ make love”…happen!
By Sarah Vanga Private V2 US Army
~ a contributing writer for Shawna’s House Inc. Blog